creativity is a privilege

the silent pain of being a creative in a world that hides the recourses to do so

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i feel like i’m not the only one who has been called creative, intelligent, mature and talented as a child. i feel like to they’re adjectives we throw around in the presence of children, assuming it’s harmless.

well im not entirely convinced that’s true. i believed i was what the adults said i was. I spent my free time drawing, reading my parents’ books about poetry, writing pages and pages of personal stories in my diary, opened little stores and business within our home - filled with my sisters belongings that i’d sneakily gotten from her bedroom when she was busy.

creativity was my greatest asset.

people would ask me what i wanted to do when i grew up. my answer was always the same, “whatever makes me rich” . that made them laugh. truth be told i didn’t really believe that. it was just the most efficient answer i could find instead of saying what i really wanted to do.

in reality i’d daydream about pursuing numerous careers. some this productive society would categorise as “highly unconventional”. i’d daydream about being a ballet dancer, a painter, a rock star, a novelist, astronaut, a runway model, a wildlife photographer, zoo keeper, etc. etc…

all of these things brought me immense joy, despite not having the talents to pursue any of these careers. i was not a child prodigy but despite that, the idea of being stuck in an office, trying my best to climb up the corporate ladder for all of my adult years, made me physically sick. i’d think to myself, “is this what we’re here for?”.

it wasn’t until i was 13 years old - the age most girls are when they stop dreaming, that i started thinking about “real” careers. i’d figured out that you couldn’t make a name for yourself pursuing your passions, not if you didn’t already have the resources and privilege to do so, at least.

for me this was an earth shatteringly discovery. it changed my whole dreamer mindset and turned me into a shallow and pessimistic adolescent. everything that i once thought i’d become become unreachable.

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looking back on my teenage years, it was clear as day that the reality of this world had taken a toll on me and my mental health.

i’d spent hours and days studying for a singular exam, ignoring my family members, never getting out of my room, gettting immense headaches, crying silently each night and praying to a higher power that id find the motivation to get up the next day.

i’d go days without speaking to anyone. i’d push people away and just focus on my school work like my life my life depended on it. in a way it did. i’d say to everyone that this was the most important thing, without it i’d be nothing. i know how i looked to those people. my social life is still suffering the consequences of my past actions still - those friends and family i cut contact with have not come back. they never will and i don’t blame them.

when i did have free time, which wasn’t often, i’d spent time on the digital world, that way avoiding mine as frequently as possible. i’d see these people having the life that i desired all my life. something had changed from when i was young: the new creatives had gotten online. and they were beautiful, skinny, famous and talented and highly intelligent at that. how could someone be so perfect?

although they were different beings they all had that one thing in common: they were rich.

we were being taught about the french evolution at the time. i naively thought social classes were a thing of the past. thats clearly not true and perhaps we did have a better socio-economic system now but careers and therefore success had become highly dependent on the persons background.

perhaps we do live in a meritocratic society. the so-called hierarchy of effort. some call it the fairest hierarchy of all, but is that true? what is effort if someone is really just quite rich and has the needed connections to get picked first before somebody who has a talent for the thing and is more passionate about it.

i suppose it is unfair. i suppose life is unfair.

what is there to do now?

perhaps just post and complain about it despite nobody seeing it.